Don’t Judge Me
I’m just blowing off steam here. I am a single mother of six, three are mine, three are my ex’s. I divorced him not them. I love my children, would not give them up for anything. Two girls are twenty-one, girl twenty, girl fourteen, two boys nine and six. I work two jobs, one full time, one part. I don’t have a full day off ever. Oh, and a beautiful granddaughter two months old.
I have family, sisters and a brother. My one sister I’m close to, but we are so different. I depend on my fourteen-year-old to help with the boys because child care is too expensive. I hate it but that is my only option, the older girls are too busy with their own lives to help out.
I get so down about working so much, and not having more and not being able to give my kids more. Then I have to remind myself where we were a year ago. Living in a very old mobile home, couldn’t pay my utility bills half the time, no phone, no cable, crappy car, behind on my rent. Now my bills are all paid and on time, have a better car, and am occasionally able to give my kids things. I just turned forty-seven and am not happy about that at all, not really the age, just not happy with how I look. I really need to lose weight, a lot of it; I am very large to the point of being uncomfortable. I have no will power. I crave sweets all the time.
You would think as much as I work I would lose weight. I don’t know what to do, just wish I would crave healthy foods instead of the foods I crave. I know some of you out there think just do it, but honestly if I could I would, it’s not that easy for some of us. I hate my three younger children being alone so much. The boys like to ride their bikes around the block where we live and have started getting in a little bit of trouble with a couple of the neighbors because of throwing things in one’s yard and running over their bushes, not bad, bad things but enough to irritate them. I have told them they aren’t allowed outside when I’m gone, but they don’t listen all the time and my daughter doesn’t pay the best attention to them. She’s only fourteen so I do understand but she’s all I have to depend on.
I’m so worried they will get in bad trouble. I don’t know what to do to make them do what I tell them. I can’t be here all the time like I should and they need. I punish them, I threaten with taking things away, putting them in their rooms for awhile telling them they can’t have something they want because they don’t listen. But nothing works, they just most the time do what they want. And my house! It’s so messy; I don’t have time to clean after them constantly and they are messy they never pick up after themselves on their own. Then they only do it when I get mad and I feel so bad it seems like I am constantly getting on to them.