Falling into Place
Lately it has struck me just how profound an effect infertility has had on my life. But slowly, as more time passes, I see more clearly that after all I went through, and continue to struggle with, I am going to be okay.
I had a setback a couple of weeks ago, with the smothering news of three pregnancies in one day. I was taken aback; all of my sad and angry emotions bubbled to the surface without warning. I could not control the tears—I felt the Mack truck hit my heart. I cannot make babies, and so many others can. I could not shake off this news. I have been gotten much better at taking news of pregnancy in stride, but this day proved that I have a long way to go before I am at peace with my infertility.
I read about someone who found out she was pregnant after a long struggle, and people were telling her she needed to move on from the past—she is pregnant now. However, this woman says she will never feel the same; infertility has changed her forever. I am always aware that I am an adoptive mom; no one else is reminding me of that except myself. Ultimately, I am very proud to be an adoptive mom. I am proud of how my family was created. But I am also acutely aware of how long I desired to be a mom.
If the first pregnancy test I took five and a half years ago had come back positive, my life would be so completely different. I would be thirty, with at least two small children. I would probably be living in a different house, and I know I would not be writing. My love for writing began when I was just a small child. Through the struggle of infertility I have rekindled my passion for writing. Now posting my thoughts and emotions have become part of my everyday life. I have become a freelance writer. I see great things on the horizon for my writing career, and I am extremely fulfilled because I am able to write and express myself. My blogging has also introduced me to so many interesting and wonderful people. I have laughed, cried, and learned so much over the past year.
I have been a business person for quite a while but starting the non-profit has helped me to find my niche. There are so many things I love about running a business—nonprofit and for profit. The idea that I can be part of something that will hopefully help many people is thrilling. I am not doing this alone by any means. It was my idea, but I have so many wonderful people volunteering their time because they believe in our mission statement. They believe that everyone is entitled to parenthood.
Right now I have my hands full with my career, home life and being a mom to one very busy two-year-old. I would not be physically able to make Parenthood for Me successful if I had more children. This is what I mean by saying I can see how things are supposed to work out. The story is not written by any means. Sometimes I fear the unknown. What else am I to face in my lifetime that is devastating and completely unfounded? This is why I try not to take things for granted. Life can change in an instant.
Infertility made me grow up faster. Turning thirty made me realize that life is a huge challenge. There are so many rewards coupled with difficult situations and decisions to make. Like many I have goals for my life in five years, ten years, etc. But, the perpetual planner in me has been left somewhat jaded. We can plan all we want, but that does not mean our plans will come to be. Or if they are realized, they may take on a completely different meaning or happen in an unexpected way. I can live with that too.
Wow. This is big for me. Learning that planning my entire life is not always best and being enlightened, even if it just a little bit, that after all that infertility has put me through, my life is actually better because of it. I guess that is all we can ask for in life. When there are tough times, days and weeks that make you want to hide from humanity, keep the faith. Somehow if we own our challenges and stay strong, we will make it through.