1. Kid Rock
He teamed up with Michigan Brewing Co. to create this bubbly brew, which is also served on tap at their pub. At 4 percent alcohol content, it hardly fits the bill of a “bad ass” anything. Considering the inspiration, who claims to still “bawitdaba” with the hardest of rockers yet released a duet with Sheryl Crow, that seems about right.
2. Danny DeVito
After he partied all night with George Clooney and showed up on The View drunk off limoncello (possibly the only entertaining episode of The View ever), DeVito came out with his own blend made with organic lemons imported from Sorrento. The label’s also scratch-and-sniff, which makes it fun and enticing for adults and kids! No word if he pours it in soda cans to disguise daytime drinking. (It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, anyone?)
3. Dan Ackroyd
In an infamous seven-minute ad for his vodka, he manages to relate it to the existence of UFOs and ghosts, the Day of the Dead, and mystical Mayan powers. The vodka-filled skull bottles are tied to the “enlightment of human kind,” or so he claims. Advertisers have used many methods for shilling alcohol, but claiming it enhances consumers’ psychic energy might be a first. Sounds like Ackroyd’s been watching one too many Ghostbusters marathons on TBS.
4. Lil Jon
Note that Jon is now Jonathan to emphasize the maturity of his product (though his “lil” stature remains unchanged). He also made it clear in an interview that his wine isn’t “no ghetto Boone’s Farm,” lest haters suspect otherwise. Can we all agree that Boone’s is a perfectly acceptable beverage when you’re under twenty-one and hanging out in your friend’s room? Don’t knock Strawberry Hill, Lil Jon.
5. Sammy Hagar
He released a song called “Mas Tequila” to advertise his new line of tequila, which has gained a surprising amount of respect since its release in the 1990s. But then, if anyone knows about good booze to get wasted to, it’s probably a former member of Van Halen. Hagar even includes a helpful prescription in his song for tequila novices: “Take your vitamin T with salt and lemon slice.” Yes, sir!
6. Vince Neil
Buying a bottle of Tres Rios also buys you a picture of the Motley Crue singer with a chest-revealing shirt and a cowboy hat on—a look that screams “I like to party, but only with decent, well-aged tequzila.” And just in case the picture alone doesn’t ensure Vince Neil’s thumbs up, the Web site says, “Vince Neil will not endorse a brand unless it is of the highest quality.” With one look at his outfit, how could you doubt otherwise?
7. Maynard James Keenan
The alcohol from the Tool frontman’s vineyard is as dramatic and dark as his music; the wine is called Chupacabra, if that’s any indication. He claims everything from the Caduceus winery is high-quality and delicious—a far cry from other celebrity alcohol on the market, in his opinion. He gave The Onion’s AV Club a review of Vince Neil’s wine (wait, Vince Neil makes wine, too?!), saying, “You pour it, and you’re like … ‘Are there pickles in here?’”
8. Marilyn Manson
Mansinthe’s not just a clever name; it’s also an award-winning spirit. This absinthe was a gold medalist at the 2008 San Francisco World Spirits Competition. According to the Web site, it’s best when mixed with ice cold spring water. Don’t even think about pouring it over ice and definitely don’t think about taking shots of it at a party. This is a classy beverage, even if it was made by a man who wrote songs called “Slutgarden” and “Cake and Sodomy.”
9. Donald Trump
Within a bottle as tacky as its namesake lies a quintuple-distilled vodka that comes in flavors like raspberry and grape, the latter of which won a Platinum Award at the 2008–2009 World Spirits Competition. Of course, Trump gets richer and more powerful with every bottle purchased, which might make even a surefire hangover choice like Smirnoff seem more optimal.
10. Justin Timberlake
901 is both an homage to Timberlake’s hometown (Memphis) and the time he believes a night out truly starts. I wonder if this tequila is also the way he’s able to “have you naked by the end of this song,” as the lyrics to “Rock Your Body” claim. A few shots of 901 and even cornrow-era Timberlake would start to look good.
11. Willie Nelson
This bourbon is made from grains grown by independent farmers because Nelson, the organizer behind FarmAid, wants at least some good to come from selling poison to the masses. (He’s not much of a partier anymore; according to one interview, he’s a soy milk man these days.) Along with the satisfaction of knowing you helped some farmers, each bottle comes with an autographed guitar pick as a memento of the time you stopped in a corner liquor store on the way to a party.
It’s nice to know that these celebs are working so hard to keep us entertained and liquored up. We can show our appreciation by making our next booze binge a star-studded affair—Cabo Wabo and Mansinthe for all!