The Frustrations of Being a Mother
I love being a mother! I will say that right off because its the absolute truth. I love my son so much that I would give my life for him and I almost did when he was born and I started to hemorrage. However I quickly learned that motherhood is not a smooth sailing course. It is most certainly not when you are a single mother raising a child who has been diagnosed with not only having ADHD but also being bipolar. Their were small red flags that began to pop up when he refused to poop in the potty and would hide around the corner even after seeing other kids using the potty. When he would lash out at either my mother, brother or myself and began hitting us with various objects. He once chased me with a butcher knife in hand a move which ultimately scared me considering I was on the phone and he had climbed up on the counter and up into the cupboard where we keep them. Why on earth was he acting this way? One moment he would be playing on the floor the next he would be up on the china cabinet threatning to smash everything in sight. He would only sleep three hours a night if even that.
We give him lots of attention and he is greatly loved. Perhaps even spoiled. When he began running around the room so much that he collapsed and cried out "Help me mommy something is wrong with me! " I knew I had to act fast. Convincing the doctor was no easy task. I had to observe his behavior and document it for a few more months before they would refer us to a child psychologist who in the first visit confirmed that my son had ADHD but he then threw me a curveball by diagnosing him with being bipolar as well. I sat stunned and wondering what I was going to do. I was already frustrated by his behavior and nursing the bumps on my head from where he got mad and hit me with his toys. Now I was dealing with another behavior issue.
The psychologist conferred with the peditrician who then prescribed medication in which I have to hid in either applesauce or pudding every morning. I feel so sneaky and low at times having to secretly medicate my kid without his knowing but I remind myself its for his health. Now we are up to medicating twice a day as the medicine wears off and the symptoms come quicker each afternoon. At school I am told he still refuses to poop in the potty and that I must work with him more and I feel like screaming "I AM!" Despite that fact that I work the graveyard shift at work I often deprive myself of sleep during the day trying to make sure he isn't giving his grandmother or uncle any grief and making sure he uses the potty which proves to be a challenge. I often worry how the school views me as a mother despite knowing his medical conditions. Their are often times when I beat myself up as a parent and wonder if I am somehow to blame. Did I somehow pass these conditions on through family genes? or what about his father whom he never see's did he pass this on somehow?
I get so frustrated at times that I shut myself in my room and cry. Its not easy being a parent but its also not easy being a parent of a child with behavioral problems. However I have learned that I am not alone. Their are other parents facing this problems some even worse. I have learned to deal with each day at a time and to keep the faith that one day things will get better and my son will get better. Faith is what gives me strength and I will forever hold on to that.