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Give Us Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Stretched Out Granny Panties

My tenth wedding anniversary inspired me to do some much needed shopping. I clicked on Victoria’s Secret’s Web site and being the boring practical girl that I am, I navigated to the clearance panty section first, as I am in dire need of new under drawers. I looked at the cotton panties first. I’ll be forty next year so I think my private parts need as much breathable fabric as possible. The only thing available in the clearance section were striped fabrics and winter motifs. Nothing says happy ten years of wedded bliss to your husband like showcasing your thirty-eight-year-old rear end in a pair of gray cotton bikini briefs with fuchsia snow flakes and Snow Bunny emblazoned across your butt cheeks. Not to mention my anniversary is in May.

Much like the rings in a tree can be used to determine how old it is, you can tell when I became a mother by excavating my panty drawer and tracking the noticeable shift from sexy and silky to practical and cotton. These days I primarily wear cotton bikini briefs, although there were those white cotton high-waisted granny panties my mom bought for my post-partum, “OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO MY ABS?” period after having my youngest daughter three years ago. Thankfully, the extreme granny under drawers were way too big once I lost most of my pregnancy weight. Although they would have made excellent dust cloths, to the landfill they went.

Anyway, I’m definitely thinking of starting a petition to rename the tenth anniversary The Panty Anniversary, because after ten years of marriage and gaining and then losing close to seventy pounds total (not each time, thank God) over the course of two pregnancies, you definitely need a full panty makeover.

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