I couldn’t tell you where I’m at, who else is there, or even what leads up to the main part of my dream; what I can tell you is that I’ve had this dream twice already, and each time is very, very similar.
My middle child, Jacob, who is eight, is drowning. It’s been in a deep pool both times (the same pool), where there are huge steps that lead to the bottom. The steps are so huge that not even an adult can climb normally without literally having to climb them with both hands and feet. Nonetheless, they are there and Jacob is at the bottom, struggling to reach even the bottom one. In the first dream, I jump in to save him and swim under him to push his bottom upward so that he’s able to climb onto the first step. It’s a struggle for me, and I can remember telling myself to keep on, not to give up, as I’m having such a hard time helping him. I keep losing my grip, and he keeps falling to the side of me as I push him upward. He keeps going back down, and I have to continue to swim under him to try again. My heart races because I don’t think I’m going to be able to save him. But somehow we manage, and we make it to the top and I push him up out of the water. He’s alive and okay.
The second time I dreamed this, it was very similar but a bit different, and the outcome was the same. He’s at the bottom of the deep pool with the large steps. This time when I jump in to save him, I distinctly remember being face to face with him and hearing him talk to me underwater. He says to me, “Mom, it hurts,” and has a worried, pained look on his face. I can tell he’s trying to hold his breath, but won’t be able to for much longer. This time, instead of pushing him from his bottom upward, I attempt from the top by pulling on his arms to pull him up. I still struggle with the large steps, losing my footing underwater and my grip on Jacob a few times. I finally get ahold of the neckline from his T-shirt and pull up relentlessly. I pull him up and out of the water. He’s okay and safe. His face is blue and it’s Jacob, but it doesn’t look exactly like Jacob. He looks different, but it’s him and he’s alive.
I can tell you a few things: First, I believe that drowning or suffocation (mainly drowning) is a horrible way to die. I’ve always believed that. I guess that derives from my brother’s and my play-fighting or wrestling when we were kids; he used to put a pillow over my face to pretend he was suffocating me. I use to scream my head off and get so freaked out to make him stop. It was nothing malicious, just my big brother being a big brother. But neither one of these things has been heavy on my heart. I don’t constantly think about them and haven’t spoken about them recently or anything like that.
Second, my biggest fear is losing a loved one whom I truly love and am close with. I’ve never had to endure the pain of losing a very close family member, thank God. I’ve always said, out loud, that if I ever lost a child, I’d be a mess. I don’t know how parents cope and deal with it. Just thinking about it makes me cry. I don’t think I’d be a strong enough person to deal with something as traumatic as losing a child. I wouldn’t know how to move on. I never, never want to lose a child. It scares me more than anything. Again, it’s not something that I’ve been thinking about or talked about recently.
Jacob is my baby boy. I have an older son, who’s twelve, and a younger daughter, who’s two. Jacob holds a special place in my heart. He’s got a great personality and can make me laugh. He’s truly got the greatest laugh in the world. Recently I’ve noticed that’s he’s getting big. He’s really growing up, in terms of everything from the vocabulary he uses to the manner in which he uses it. He’s changing, he’s growing up. Just the thought of losing him, much less any one of my kids, scares me.
Why am I dreaming this same dream involving Jacob? What does it mean? Any light on the situation would be greatly appreciated.