#Love & Sex

12 Sex Toys that Made Us Say “WTF”

by Rachel Weeks

12 Sex Toys that Made Us Say “WTF”

Sex toys are a great way to spice things up in the bedroom, whether you’re by yourself or with a partner. However, the world of pleasure products is vast, mysterious and sometimes completely messed up. These are the 12 sex toys that had us asking, “WTF?”

 

Svakom’s Sex Selfie Stick, $179.99

 

 

Adding new meaning to the term “selfie stick,” this vibrator is equipped with a video camera. Yes. It films the inside of your vagina during arousal, like some kind of spelunking video from hell. The good news is, you can ambush your partner with this nightmare footage via FaceTime.

WTF Quote from the Website:
“Gear up for muscle spasms and moisture as the vibrator powers your passion.”

 

Vibrating Pleasure Periscope, $31.11

 

 

In case the selfie stick was too hands-off for you—how?—try this vibrating pleasure periscope from California Exotic Novelties. Instead of using video, this unique vibrator allows your partner to peer—like a crazed submarine lookout—directly into your vagina during climax. Talk about getting up close and personal.

WTF User Review:
“It’s nearly impossible to perform oral sex on a woman and look into the viewfinder at the same time. A definite disappointment.”

 

The Orca, $85

 

 

Don’t overthink this one. It is an orca dildo, modeled after an actual orca penis for those who want to get down with… orcas, I guess. Of course, if orcas aren’t your thing, Zeta Paws has an array of marine life dildos, including a dolphin, seal, and otter.

WTF Quote from the Website:
“Our very own giant of the sea is ready to show anyone why he’s just the ticket to anyone’s ‘deepest’ pleasures.”

 

Eiffel Tower Dildo, $38.95

 

 

Well… there’s a souvenir I haven’t seen before.

WTF Quote from the Website:
“Made in France.”

 

I Rub My Duckie Personal Massager, $52.00

 

 

Apparently nothing is sacred anymore. Your favorite childhood bath toy can now be your favorite adult bath toy. With three speeds and a strong but quiet motor, this little duckie will have you singing along with Ernie from Sesame Street, “Rubber Duckie, you’re the one. You make bath time lots of fun. Rubber Duckie, I’m awfully fond of you.”

WTF Quote from the Website:
“With its innocent eyes and traditional rubber duckie body, I Rub My Duckie is the most discreet massager/vibrator available.

 

Eternity Vibrator, $2,750.00 – $3,250.00

 

 

Look, we value sexual satisfaction, but maybe not to the tune of $3,000. Available in both platinum and 24K gold and encrusted with 28 round-cut diamonds, this vibrator is luxurious to the point of silliness. Diamonds may be a girls best friend, but I think we’ll stick to diamond jewelry, thanks.

WTF Quote from the Website:
“Display it on your shelves, flaunt it with your friends…”

 

Rainbow Pony Tail Butt Plug, £72.50–£76.50

 

 

Rainbow Dash wouldn’t approve.

WTF Quote from the Website:
“Look at us O’ friendly visitor, see how shiny we are.. mmm, yes, so shiny, so colourful!”

 

Clown Vibrator, $26.49

 

 

I don’t know what to say. It’s a teeny-tiny, extremely frightening, clown-shaped G-spot massager. Also available in: perplexed chef, dead-eyed fireman, “Japanese girl,” winking policewoman, and nondescript “star doll.”

WTF Quote from the Website:
“Interesting and novelty design, also can be an ornament.”

 

Sqweel Go, $59

 

 

Literally a pocket-sized windmill of silicon tongues, the Sqweel Go is meant to mimic the sensation of oral sex by slapping “10 petite tongues” against whatever body part you wish to be slapped. While this little licker may feel great—the reviews seem enthusiastic—I’m not sure I could get past the fact that the Sqweel Go is simply a spinning wheel of severed tongues.

WTF User Review:
“I wish the makers off this little jewel would call me, I have some really great ideas to make this thing even better.”

 

Tongue Twister Vibrator, $24

 

 

AH! I take it back. The Sqweel Go’s pinwheel of tongues may be preferable compared to this monstrous tongue vibrator. It looks like a terrifying face lightsaber—no—an ironic tongue popsicle—no—a “red rocket” with a nose. I don’t know what it looks like, but get it away from me!

WTF User Review:
“The only thing it didn’t do was offer me a cigarette when I was through.”

 

Vibrating Tongue Massager, $15.35

 

 

DEAR GOD. NO MORE TONGUES. STOP IT. NO MORE.

WTF User Review:
“Nothing like the real thing, but okay.”

 

Hot Doll (for Dogs), 189.00 €

 

 

What? Dogs need lovin’ too. Hot Doll claims to be the first sex toy for dogs, but this silicone circle-dog is only one in a long line of dog sex toys, including human legs, pillows, stuffed animals, blankets, dog beds, slippers, and pretty much anything else.

WTF Quote from the Website:
“For trendy dogs only.”