Fantasizing about a three-way with your partner is a flirty way to spice up the romance, but what happens when your SO gets the party started without you? Our panel of experts weighs in.

 

Dear 4-Way,
My girlfriend and I always joke around about having a three-way. She knows it’s a fantasy, but she also knows it’s not one I expect her to fulfill … it’s just something fun to talk about privately with her, since it turns me on. A few weeks ago, I came home after working late and caught her making out on our couch with a woman who I thought was just her friend. Both of their shirts were off, and they were definitely messing around. I was pretty upset because, in my mind, she cheated on me, but she says that because I always fantasize about her being with another girl, it’s not really cheating—just her living up to my fantasy. She says she doesn’t like this woman, and that she was just “testing the waters” in case we ever had a three-way. I’m not buying it. Would you consider this cheating, or am I just being sensitive? —MK, Atlanta, Georgia

 

The Straight Woman’s Perspective: Rebecca Brown
I suppose I can see why the fantasy of a three-way might be exciting, and god knows, I’ve never met a man—gay or straight—who didn’t fantasize about having one. Call me a buzz-kill realist, but when I think about someone I like messing around or having sex with someone else while I watch, I don’t get turned on; I get jealous. Also, I’m not convinced that you could create an equitable situation; it seems like there would always be one person of the three who ended up getting less attention. And if I were in a three-way with my boyfriend or husband, I wouldn’t want that person to be me.

 

Call me old-fashioned, but I think if you’re in a relationship and you’re considering a three-way, both people should feel completely comfortable with the idea before moving forward. No matter how hot 99.9 percent of the male population thinks your situation is, your girlfriend still messed around with another person. Without your agreement and participation, that’s not really a three-way—it’s just plain old cheating, and that’s a huge violation of trust, in my opinion. I’m guessing if you caught your girlfriend groping and dry-humping some other guy, you wouldn’t think you were being too “sensitive” then, would you? Just because it’s two women doesn’t make it okay.

 

She can either date you and be faithful—and, yes, maybe even have a three-way with you present—or she can roll around on couches half-naked with other women (and men) as a single woman, but not as your girlfriend. The way I see it, those are her choices—no two ways (or three-ways) about it.

 

The Gay Man’s Perspective: Darren Maddox
Whether she was with another man or with another woman, she was still cheating. And if she was doing it without you, my friend, she was doing it for herself and not because she was trying to fulfill one of your fantasies. You see, that’s the thing about a three-way: it takes three people. Perhaps she timed the fling so you might walk in, catch them, and join in on the action, but she was still starting up without you. Our male fan base might be reading this thinking, “Dude, why the hell would you ever complain?” But put them in the same situation, and I’ll bet 90 percent of them would have the same doubts you have.

 

Bottom line is this: she was with another person while you weren’t around. It doesn’t matter if it was a male or a female. And how did she explain both of their shirts’ being off, anyway? Was it too hot in the house for shirts? I hate it when that happens!

 

At this point, the incident is behind you. Notice her actions from this point forward and see how she acts around her friend. See how she acts around you when you are around her friend. The situation will unfold, and you’ll be able to put this behind you … or not. Either way, as I always say, your gut never lies. Trust her, but know yourself and that what you’re feeling is right on target.

 

The Gay Woman’s Perspective: Jody Fischer
Not only is your girlfriend a liar, but her response to you is denigrating to all women.

 

How could you not consider it cheating when she’s half-naked on the couch and admitting to messing around? If she’s trying to pass it off with the old “it didn’t mean anything” argument, that’s just ridiculous. If you found her in the same position with a man and she told you that she didn’t even like the guy, would that make it not cheating? Why would it be any different with a woman?

 

Even if she pulls the “oh, I’m just fulfilling your fantasy, baby” crap, don’t buy it. To fulfill someone’s fantasy, that someone has to be present. Now, if she had asked you to join in, there might be other ways to view the situation. But she didn’t. She made up some silly excuse to cover up whatever she was or wasn’t doing. “Testing the waters”? Give me a break!

 

She says she wants to test the waters, so give her the damn ocean to swim in and set her afloat on it—as a single woman. Let her find other seamen or mermaids, or whatever, to roll around with on another couch. Find yourself an honest catch. She’s not it.

 

The Straight Man’s Perspective: Chris Kennedy
In my experience writing this column, I’ve seen three-way talks come up as an issue quite often. I’ve found that three-way joking around is more than just silly talk; it indicates genuine curiosity and deeper feelings about the topic. By joking about it and bringing it up, you two have made it a real issue. And that fantasy has led to reality.

 

At first, I thought you were saying that you were the luckiest guy in the world. The situation you describe sounds like something out of a Penthouse forum letter. But it is cheating. She was with someone else romantically. You may want to explain to your girlfriend that a threesome has, in fact, three people involved. Her excuse of fulfilling your fantasy is not holding water here.

 

So what do you want to do about it? Put your money where your mouth is and tell her you want the three-way, or she needs to stop “joking” about it. If she really doesn’t like this woman, then clear the air.

 

You and your girlfriend need to discuss where you want to go from here. Remember, communication is a two-way street.