#Love & Sex
Mother’s Day Gifts Your Mom Doesn’t Want
by Kathryn Williams
I used to ask my mom why there was a Mother’s Day and a Father’s Day but no Kid’s Day. She said there are 365 Kid’s Days. Poor Mom. One day a year we celebrate all she does for us, and we do that with a World’s Best Mom mug and breakfast in bed on dishes and sheets she’ll end up washing herself. Every mom is different, and surely she will cherish that macaroni necklace, but doesn’t she deserve more? If you’re contemplating any of the following 12 gifts, it might be time to re-evaluate.
Unless it’s a $600 Vitamix that can liquify an entire watermelon in 3.2 seconds, or your mom has a serious thing for piña coladas and a cabana boy to make them for her, a blender—or any kitchen appliance—only seems like an invitation to spend more time in that room cooking for you.
Then again, this woman looks really happy using her blender …
Lessons for Some Activity You Want Her to do More Often
Think about it. Is this gift really for her or for you? Has she always said she wants to learn golf? Has she hinted that she’d love cooking classes? Has she expressed interest in learning to use a handgun? No? There’s your answer.
Anything from the Drugstore
Barring Christmas Eve, when you suddenly remember you pulled Aunt Bertha’s name for the family Secret Santa exchange, no one should ever go gift shopping in a drugstore. And chances are Mom already has enough candles, bath salts, and scented lotions to last a lifetime—and not 5 minutes to herself to use them.
When’s the last time your mom ever cashed in one of those homemade coupons? Exactly. They’re a cop-out. I know because I used to give them all the time. My mom’s still waiting on that foot massage.
An Electric Toothbrush
I recently saw an ad touting an electric toothbrush as the perfect gift for Mother’s Day. Unless she specifically asked for it (and I mean specifically), you’ll be seeing those pearly white choppers through a grimace.
Yes, you can tell they’re fake. Even from the other side of the room. I know they don’t last as long, but that’s the point. They’re a luxury, an extravagance, something whose only point is to make her happy. Spring for the real ones.
A Gym Membership
You’re thinking, it says we care about you so much we want you around for a very long time. She’s thinking, “They’re saying I’m fat.” Instead, consider a pampering spa day. It shows you care about her mental well-being as much as her physical.
If it’s coming from her husband, it says let’s make another one. If it’s coming from her kids, gross, just gross. Save it for Valentine’s Day.
A Self-Help Book
It’s in the name. If you buy this book for your mom you might as well pick up a copy for yourself while you’re at it. You’ll need it.
Oh good, one more living thing for Mom to feed, bathe, and pick up after!
The joke is over, folks.
A Vacuum Cleaner
The sentiment is nice: You want to make her job easier, and maybe she’s even been dropping hints that it’s time for a new one, but don’t pass off a household expense as a gift. You’re only highlighting the fact that she does all the housework anyway.