Can a guy’s Adam’s Apple really tell you how big his package is? You know you want to know: how much truth is there to the old wives’ tales about penis size?

Horny minds want to know: how can you tell what kind of heat a man is packing just by looking at him clothed? Yeah, we say size doesn’t matter, but old wives’ tales about penis size have been handed down for generations, so those inches must count for something. Are there really surefire ways to tell if that guy you just met at the bar has what it takes to—ahem—take you home? Probably not, but it sure is fun to hypothesize. Here are the most common myths that at least pretend to predict his potency:

His Feet
Men with big feet tend to have really big … shoes. Though popular lore would have it otherwise, there has been no scientific evidence linking penis size to foot size. So to all you ladies trolling the size thirteen section in Foot Locker, you may be sorely disappointed.

His Height
It’s natural to believe that the size of a man in general is linked to the size of his penis, but this is not necessarily so, either. While women tend to find taller men more attractive, height is no predictor of penis size. I’ve seen men who are 5’6” and hung like zucchinis, and I’ve seen 6’5” men who compare to baby carrots. It’s not the inseam of the pants, it’s what you see in ’em.

His Adam’s Apple
Prominent Adam’s apples are often taken as signs of virility because they usually accompany deep, booming voices in men. Adam’s apples are also very sexy because they draw attention to the neck, a vulnerable, and therefore, alluring part of the body. But, alas, large Adam’s apples are no indicator of penis size, nor are large noses or ears or any other facial feature. The eyes may be the window to the soul, but the face is no window to the crotch.

His Race
The average penis size for all men, regardless of ethnicity, is about five to seven inches when erect. But since the Middle Ages, the Western world has been operating under the myth that black men have much larger (in length and girth) penises. This so-called “positive stereotype” has become so widely accepted that large-size condoms are sold in a big black box (nice marketing, Trojan). The myth about black men and penis size is more a result of our tendency to exoticize minorities than of any scientific evidence. Oh, and Asian men don’t necessarily have small penises, either.

His Hands
You can tell a lot about a man from his hands: whether he does manual labor, whether he’s married, whether he smokes, and so on. But will palm-reading tell you about his package, too? While large hands, like large feet or large anything else, aren’t a good predictor of penis size, the one body part that does seem to be a possible giveaway in men is the index finger. According to researchers in South Korea, the shorter a man’s index finger is than his ring finger, the longer his penis will be. The study hypothesized that this may be because prenatal testosterone determines both finger development and penis length. However, the study also looked at only 144 men, so when meeting a man for the first time, pay close attention when you shake his hand, but don’t be surprised if what’s in his boxers doesn’t match up.