I, like most parents, kept careful records of my precious baby girl’s milestones: First smile (eight weeks), first laugh (ten weeks), first solid food (cereal, four months, mess!), first steps (twevle months), first word (“dog!” twelve months), first haircut (two years).
But there are some milestones in the first few years that most little ones go through that aren’t in the baby books. Why not? Well, probably because they’re too silly:
First time peeing on each parent: Newborns can only eat, sleep, cry, poop, and pee ... but they can pee with pinpoint accuracy! Your little one gets bonus points for ruining outfits or getting pee on Mom or Dad’s face.
First time sleeping through the night: Usually followed by “Mom’s first heart attack,” when Mom realizes that she’s been sleeping for eight whole hours and runs to the crib to make sure baby’s okay.
First time trying to nom on the cat: Okay, maybe this was just my baby. Luckily, Rachel Kitty (may she rest in peace) was very tolerant of having her tail stuck in a baby’s drooly mouth.
First trip to the ER: Bonus points for stitches.
First time embarrassing Mom: Mine happened in the lingerie section. My daughter saw the bras, and her face lit up! “BOOBS! Mom! Boobs! Butts!” Before I knew it, there was a hand down my shirt.
First time embarrassing a stranger: This can be a wildly inappropriate comment, a game of peek-a-boo under the wall of the bathroom stall, an F-bomb at Grandma’s; or, your child could do what mine did, and give the waitress a “good game” as she’s trying to deliver food to the next table.
First swear word: My daughter’s was “Dammit.” I have only one thing to say to that, but I’d like her to forget the word.
First time being dragged kicking and screaming out of the grocery store due to a tantrum: All of those parents and parents-to-be who say “That won’t be my kid,” I have three words. Just. You. Wait.
First public appearance in a Halloween costume: Again, just you wait. Luckily, in the grand scheme of things, one or two trips to Target in a princess costume are no big deal.
First time giving advice to Mom or Dad: “You have to don’t wear that shirt, Mom, it’s too yucky. You have to wear a pretty shirt. And you have to take a shower so you’re not icky pyew.”
These are the moments that really do it for me, the ones that don’t have to be written down in a keepsake book because they’re so funny and so fresh in my mind! I’m sure there will be many more of these moments ... I’m just not sure I’ll know how to react to them from the time they happen to the time I start thinking they’re funny.