From Mommy to Not the Mommy!
I married my husband back in 2004 when my stepson was only two years old. His mother left him with his father when he was eleven months old. It was the best situation. He needed a mommy, and I felt this need to take care of him and to love him. He was just this little innocent child with no mother.
My husband and I fell head over heels in love with each other, and we were inseparable. His family loved me, and thought I was a godsend. After we married, I soon became pregnant with my precious daughter, and I thought this would make our family complete. My stepson loved his little sister, and they are the very best of friends. Besides having his real mother come around every couple of years (for a few weeks or months at a time), it has just been our little family.
Now, my husband’s family has money, and when he was single, they paid for the majority of his bills. When we were married, they totally wooed me with a new house, vacations, clothes … I thought I was living in a fairy tale! I didn’t realize at the time that all this money came with a price: control! They controlled everything we did: how we spent time with our kids, and what we spent our money on. I went along with it because I felt that they were powerful, and I didn’t want to suffer the wrath of the in-laws.
After five years of marriage, I had an affair. This was the worst mistake I could ever have made! My husband divorced me. I moved into my own little place, and we shared custody of our daughter. I only got visitation with my stepson, which wasn’t very often.
Now, one thing I didn’t mention is how close my children are to my stepson’s mother’s parents. They spent at least two nights a month over at their house, and at least two nights a month with my in-laws. When it came out that I had an affair, they were all so shocked and angered. They started voicing their anger to my kids, turning my stepson against me. He started not wanting to visit me, and wouldn’t hug me when he saw me.
Now fast forward a year later to two months ago. My husband and I decide we are miserable apart and really want to be together. He actually turned to drinking a lot after our divorce. Also, at some point during our divorce, my stepson’s real mother came back into the picture. She has always been on drugs, and decided it was time to sober up and be his mom. The only problem with that is she insane. She also influenced his opinion of me. She told him it was not okay for him to love me. She has always said things like that to him every time she would come around.
He is nine years old now, and got a dang cell phone for Christmas from his grandmother (my husband’s mother). He is now texting his grandmother and mother all the time. They are all so upset about my husband and me getting back together. Now, I am being accused that I am mean to him and have always been mean to him. I was the only one that would even parent him … everyone else wanted to be his friend and shower him with gifts, junk food, and no bed time. I gave him what every child needs and craves: a routine, love, and discipline.
The other night I saw a text message he sent to his grandmother that said I was being mean to him. This hurt me so bad. He said that because he wants to be rescued by his grandparents and/or real mom, and also because we made him clean his room. Instead of cleaning he was texting, so I took away his phone.
I have him in therapy right now, and plan to do a family session with myself, my husband, and him next week. I pray we can get back on track. I feel like the innocent bad guy—if that even makes sense. I feel like everyone is running on emotions, and not remembering how I have been his mother for a long time. Just because I hurt my husband doesn’t mean that I am not my stepson’s mother anymore.
Anyway, I am feeling scared, lonely, frustrated, anxious, sad, hurt, and mad. I start my own therapy next week. I am the type of girl that can’t stand to not be liked. I can’t fix this! I can’t make anyone like me. I just have to remember that I love my stepson and he is a blessing. He is just being influenced by people who don’t want my husband and I together, nor do they want me in my stepson’s life.
The sad thing about this too is they are getting to my five-year-old daughter. I got on her yesterday for yelling over me while I was talking, and she started chanting “mean mommy, mean mommy!” This just hurts so badly. I feel so alone in all this … I feel like I have no support.