My Belly: The Magic Eight Ball
I have been wondering when it became socially acceptable for co-workers, neighbors, and sometimes complete strangers to rub my bulging belly. Why would they think I would condone this behavior? My stomach may seem like a beautiful reminder to you of the miracles in nature, but not so much to me anymore.
After all, I’m the one who sloshes obscene amounts of cocoa butter all over it in the feeble attempt to avoid stretch marks. I’m the one who has to deal with attempting to cover my Buddha belly with my ever-shrinking wardrobe. I feel all the bubbles and kicks and lung-crushing flips on a daily basis, and you pushing on my child’s already cramped space isn’t making either one of us happy. To you it may seem mystical and magical how it seems to grow overnight and how sometimes it moves on its own, but that is not an invitation to touch it. Your butt has gotten big, and yes, I do believe that sometimes it moves on its own, but you don’t see me running up to rub on it and make you feel uncomfortable and awkward.
Another thing I think is absolutely ridiculous is the amount of personal questions that are asked. How much weight I’ve gained is not something I would really like to discuss, especially not with your skinny ass. And by the way, the color of the snail trail in my underwear is even more off limits. I get enough advice, not only from friends and family, but from people I hardly know, or even better, the people I don’t know at all. It’s not like I had no idea that gaining twenty-five pounds in the first two trimesters had anything to do with my insatiable need for chips and pizza. I just figured I could either eat a freaking pizza or force my husband to vacate the premises for fear of his life. I’ll leave advice on nutrition up to the doctor, who by the way, thinks I’m very healthy; so bite me.
In closing I want to remind everyone who has had children or who had read about having children to keep your hands, advice, and personal questions to yourselves. For those soon to be mothers out there who can sympathize with me, God bless you.