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Now or Never?

I sit here, inspired by a link on Facebook, then reinspired by Caroline P. where she questions whether she is ready to be a mother or not. I was about to leave a comment and thought I’d acknowledge what I had read and write my own story instead. I am thirty-eight, about to be married for the second time, and live a relaxed but exciting life where lying in bed on the weekends, walking our dog, and holidaying is all we have to worry about. I feel as though I am looking for my purpose in life but also need more. I don’t want to have a child to feel a gap; I want to really want one. This is the issue. I am not sure. Am I just scared?

I sit having tea with my mum on a Wednesday morning and she says, “Wouldn’t it be lovely if you were to have a child, a girl especially ... I have been looking at pink things for a while now!” I love my mum very much but am at a stage where I am thinking, “Have I ever really wanted children?” Although, when I start to think about it, I actually think I have disguised very well the fact that the responsibility scares me massively and that the controlling side of me wants to be perfect at being a mother, as my mother was. A part of me feels as though I could never live up to her standard of care and love. My partner has a boy from his previous marriage and it is only now, after three years together that we are seeing his son regularly, which I do find hard to understand. I feel as though only now we are beginning to reach the stage where it could be a possibility and as I write, I can feel myself stalling. I know I needn’t worry about doing things perfectly, but what if my dream of late where I gave birth to twins and wanted to give them back was true! Why am I so scared? So may questions which point to the fact that I am obviously a control freak with terms and conditions of my own.

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