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Offsprung’s Guide to Hipster Parents

Now that we’ve made it through the frigid Eighties and the frosty Nineties, global warming has finally begun to take effect. We’ve entered into an era of sexual liberation. The mainstreaming of porn, declining HIV rates in America, and a rise in post-feminism has made sex hip once again. Many hipster parents, having come of age during a two-decade-long sexual dry spell, are feeling short-changed. Hipster boys during the Nineties, after all, were notorious for wearing ironic, emasculating Girl Scout T-shirts, and refusing to put out. And hipster women who came of age during the Nineties lost interest in sex since they were, well, surrounded by boys in Girl Scout T-shirts who never made the first move.

Now that these sexually-suppressed hipsters have grown up and are beginning to spawn, they’ve inevitably become envious of their Gen Y counterparts who are getting booty left and right. They never got a chance to get involved with online dating. They never trolled Facebook looking for hotties. They never fucked a Suicide Girl. They never had a one-night stand with someone who preferred briefs to boxer shorts. This sexual latency among aging hipsters has created a sub-class of alternaparents known as Peakers; hipster parents who brag about all the sex (real or imagined) they’re having now that they’ve become comfortable with adulthood. Never mind the fact that it’s awkward to discuss the G spot at brunch while you’re nursing your baby, Peakers know that talking about sex constantly makes you feel young. And whether or not they’re actually having sex, Peakers delude themselves into thinking that it’s hip to boast about getting into anal during the postpartum recovery period.

Signs That You May Be A Peaker:
– Your friends have agreed to organize an intervention the next time you bring up your ripening sexual peak.

– Small talk at parties used to involve telling people where you worked and went to college. Now you talk about how you and your husband often “get all Fatal Attraction” in the kitchen during your kid’s naptime.

– You started writing a sex column about your postnatal sex life on your website milfalicious.blogspot.com.

– At social outings, you find yourself repeatedly making that hilarious “key party” joke and winking naughtily to acknowledge sexual innuendo.

– You recently discovered that your child’s teething medication, cherry flavored Orajel, makes a refreshingly stimulating lubricant.

– You find yourself wanting to pull a titty out in public, even when your kid’s not hungry.

– You’ve begun to think some of the scary middle-aged nudists on HBO’s Real Sex are totally punk rock.

– You find yourself invariably popping Viagra thirty minutes before your kid’s nap time.

– After your four-year-old walked in on you getting out of the shower, you had to spend a half hour explaining why daddy has an “earring on his pee pee.”

Boxer shorts: definition: Men’s full-cut, often baggy, undershorts. Though now worn exclusively by Beta Theta Pi pledges and old men named Silvio, there was a brief period during the late Twentieth Century when boxer shorts were considered fashionable. They have since (thankfully) gone the way of the man’s one-piece bathing suit.

Related to Peakers, Peakids are hipster parents who can’t stop talking about the lack of sex they’re having. Similar to Subhemians, who ironically embrace suburban life, Peakids claim to never get laid (now that they have kids) to foster some self-deprecating geek-chic cred.

Photo Courtesy of Offsprung, llustration by Regina Allen

By Robert Lanham is the author of The Hipster Handbook, and the editor of Freewilliamsburg.com

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