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The One with the V Word

Y’all remember that clip from the movie Varsity Blues, right? The one where the “hot” stripper teacher is teaching Sex Ed and tells her students to all chant: “penis, penis, penis, vagina, vagina, vagina.”

Well, I don’t believe in teaching kids to call body parts nicknames like hoo ha or pachingo or nonny or tallywhacker or winkie or anything else along those lines. If you teach your kids different names for them, party on. That’s just not my cup of tea. So, my daughter knows what a vagina is and that girls have vaginas and boys have penises, penii? Hmmmm.

Now, obviously my husband knows this fact of life. We do have two kids, you do the math. But, it makes him super squeamish to hear his precious little princess say those words out loud.  I’ll spare y’all all the lovely details but one day princess had BBV (bubble bath vagina). For those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s when girls (big and little) take too many bubble baths and their inner lining gets irritated. It feels like you’re peeing fire … well, we were out at dinner when she felt it.

If you live in Texas, I’m pretty sure you heard her screams. Anyhoo ... I explained to her what had happened and that some Tylenol and a cool water (no bubbles) bath would help once we got home ... she was actually pretty good about it. We left the restaurant and got in the car to go home, we’re on the highway Nathan’s driving and we hear this: “Dad, my vagina burns when I tee tee.” He looks at me with this poor helpless mortified look on his face, I swear I wasn’t giggling inside at all. “Mom, do boys penises burn like this if they take too many bubble baths?” At least that’s what I heard. I’m pretty sure all Nathan heard was his precious little daughter saying, “vagina, vagina, vagina, penis, penis, penis.”

Now, since she isn’t allowed to date until she’s thirty, I’m pretty sure she isn’t allowed to actually have a vagina until then, too. It continued,  “Mom, does your vagina ever burn?” Okay, I nearly choked on my Diet Coke and I swear if it wouldn’t have killed his family, Nathan would have jumped head first out of the car to get away from this conversation. We got home safely and Nathan’s head didn’t explode. Princess got her cool water bath and Tylenol and all was well in our world. So there you have it, the day the vagina nearly wrecked our car.

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