Our Duraflame Had Too Much Flame and Not Enough Dura

by admin

Our Duraflame Had Too Much Flame and Not Enough Dura

It’s cold in Florida.

Translation: It is below 60 outside and we are a family of wimps.

Alannah is spending the night at a friend’s house.

Translation: Please momma can I go stay up all night and laugh and giggle and come home and be insufferable tomorrow because I am so tired.

So, because of the aforementioned cold, Mandy and Zachary asked me to start a fire in the fireplace.

Transalation: Go to garage haul in faux wood Duraflame. Use long fancy lighter to set fire to the arrows and VOILA! I am woman! Hear me roar! I made fire!

OR …


Tonight’s version went something like this:

“Momma would you make a fire? It’s cold.”

“Sure! Maybe we can even roast marshmallows!”

Go to garage.
Get faux wood.
Get long fancy lighter.
Open glass doors on fireplace.
Wonder aloud if that thingamigig is supposed to be forward or backward. Decide forward looks good. Because why on earth would anyone have moved it from the last time we had a fire? That would just be stupid.
Chuck Duraflame onto little brick Duraflame-holder-upper-things.
Light arrows on paper. Careful to follow “Light here” arrows precisely.

Ahhh, fire. I made fire. I made happy kids. All is good. I am good mommy. We are Norman Rockwell painting. Sigh a deep sigh of accomplishment.

Except, I made smoke … lots and lots of smoke.
I made every smoke alarm in my house go off.
I made Mandy cry in agony, “Mommy, make the noise stop.”
I made my dogs bark. And the neighbors dogs bark. Probably made a cow moo somewhere.
I made Zachary note, “It doesn’t usually do that momma.”
I open every door in my house.
Now it’s cold.
And loud.
And smokey.
I am now cursing Duraflame for robbing us of our Norman Rockwell moment.

Turns out? The little thingamigig? The one that would have been stupid for someone to move from the last time we had a fire? Yea. Someone? Was stupid.


Wrong answer.

Push thingamigig back, with my bare hand. Burn hand on thingamigig, cause where there is smoke…there is fire. And fire? IS HOT! And makes surrounding metal hot. DUH! Cuss under my breath at thingamigig. Maybe I was stupid person who moved thingamigig in the first place. HATE thingamigig. Thingamigig is evil. Wish very bad mojo on thingamigig and all it’s little thingamigig friends and family.

Have cleared out smoke now. Temperature in house is -20. Mandy needs therapy. Zachary is craving smoked ham. Dogs hiding in bedroom. I am terrible mommy. Even worse fire maker.

Finally I conquer thingamigig and we have Norman Rockwell moment. Mandy and Zachary snuggly reading by roaring fire. We are all too traumatized for marshmallows now.

Oh, and? Zachary and Mandy both made honor roll! They also both got to go to the reward Sock Hop for good citizenship! Yay them! Soooo proud of them! Haven’t gotten Alannah’s report card yet.

Mandy is still really tired, but we are just going to try to lay low this weekend and see if that helps perk her up. She did well at school today, but wanted to lay down as soon as she got home. Not really sure what to do with the fatigue.