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Straight from My Children’s Mouth

While having our fence built one summer, my then five-year-old son went out to watch the guys working; we had just went to 7-Eleven and gotten a Slurpee. As he was sucking on his straw, one of the men working said, “Boy, that sure looks good.” My son nods and says, “Yep.” The worker then states, “I sure wish I had a big cold Slurpee like that.” After thinking about that for a moment, my son offers him a sip, and the worker replies, “Oh no, I bet you back wash.” With a very disgusted look on his face, my son loudly states, “Well, yes I do and I wash my front too.”

I used to clean new construction homes. Once, when my daughter was six years old, I came home one evening very tired and a little ticked off, and my mother who was there watching the kids asked why I was so mad. I began telling her about my terrible day. My daughter was sitting very quietly listening to me rant and rave. I told them how the last house I had to clean was about to be showed to the new owners, I was rushing to get it done and had just vacuumed and was ready to walk out when the “blind guy” came in and walked across my freshly done carpet. And that when I brought it to his attention he said, “Hey lady, we all have a job to do and I’m just doing mine.” I told my mom what a jerk he was and that I wished I could have wrung his neck. My daughter stood up and had tears in her eyes and says, “Mommy, you should have been nice to him. He is blind and he probably didn’t know you just vacuumed.” I explained that by calling him the “blind guy” I meant the guy who hangs the blinds.

One evening while in the garage doing laundry, my son comes out and leans over his fairly new motorcycle and begins to share his day with me; he was twelve years old then. Upon finishing his story he says, “Have I told you how much I love you?” I look up from the washing machine and say, “You are so sweet, get over here so I can give you a big kiss!” He quickly says, “Oh, I’m sorry Mom, I was talking to my bike.”

It was Christmas time and the department stores were packed. I had my shopping done but still needed to find a dress for my work Christmas party, so after picking up my daughter from day care, we went by the mall. I found a few dresses and darted in a dressing room to try them on. With my daughter in tow, I started to undress. Now at this time in my life, I wore thong underwear. I dropped my pants and my daughter at the top of her five-year-old voice yells out as she covers her mouth, “Oh Mommy, your panties have a big ol’ hole in the back and I can see your whole butt!” Needless to say there were many giggles throughout the very full dressing room.

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