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Stuck

Friday night both my daughters went out. Being sixteen and seventeen, going out with mom isn’t as much fun as it use to be. The girls were at a dance, I was home waiting for them to come home until I realized I will be waiting around a lot in my life if I start now. And, what am I waiting for? When I had the girls it was to make them independent, self-sufficient, young ladies who will go far in this world. Now I am their widowed mom, waiting. I am not waiting for them to get out of play practice, volleyball, or basketball games, or some other of the numerous activities they were and are into instead I am waiting for ... huh I don’t even know. This is where I am stuck.

I became even more stuck Saturday as I took my oldest to a college open house. We got up early in the morning which is something neither of us like to do. On the ride down, she was abrupt and having that sense of I don’t think I am ready to leave home. I remembered that feeling, as in my own head wasn’t I just going to all of the colleges I applied to oh I don’t know may be a few months ago ... it certainly feels that way. When we arrived I was smacked in the face with Oh my god this can’t really be happening.

I was in the bathroom in our old house and yelling to my wonderful husband, “Sweetie, it worked. We did it ... I am pregnant. It worked.”  And let me say it also feels so very fresh. But here we are at this college open house and I need to stay present and be with my daughter, but I look at my daughter. I look up because she is six feet tall ... she deserves me present. I am finding it rather difficult to be present, but in true fashion I persevere for that moment. The open house moved from walking tour, to the Main Stage.

The lights go out for a video and that perseverance went out the window and tears started flowing out my left eye ... how does that happen, my daughter was sitting to my right and tears rerouted to the left ... anyway. “Breathe deeply ... nice slow deep breaths ... pull it together ... you are not attractive in general, but red faced with tears really isn’t pretty.”  Somehow I manage to keep my mini pity party to my daughter. The video ends and we now have to hike to the fourth floor of a building for an information about my daughter’s major. Out of breath we go, listen, ask questions and my daughter decides she is done. This is where she wants to go. “Isn’t it wonderful here, Mom? ... Don’t you just love it?”  Ok so I was trying to stay in the present and be with her, but my head was full of all sorts of images. My responses become abrupt and although I want her to leave and live her life, I really don’t as what am I going to do? Deep breaths ... breath deeply.

So we leave the open house, but my day is now going with out my girls as I am dropping my oldest to meet up with the youngest for the day. They were going to be apart of a march form the Pru to Tremont St to see the screening of Zombieland. I was about to leave both my girls in Boston to walk around dressed as zombies, without adult supervision to see and R rated movie and I am not going to be there and the topper, they were tlaking the train home and getting home at 1am when I would then be needed.

I was stuck dropping her off to meet her sister. Now I leaving Boston. Leaving my babies. I am alone and stuck. I proceed to drive around TD Garden and finding places I can call the girls and text the girls to make sure they really are ok. They really do want me to leave them in the big bad city with out me. They did. I finally make my way, without getting stopped for illegal parking, and head out of Boston. But I freak out on the ride and proceed to call them and they promise to text me where they are and if they leave for some where else. To be honest, this really wasn’t ok with me, but my mother’s voice popped in my head, “They are fine. Leave them alone.”  I then realized when I was their ages there weren’t cell phones and I told my parent where I was going, I came home when I was supposed to and I was fine. Now a days, I changed my expectations.

So finally I am heading closer to home away from Boston and I have stopped calling the girls. I stop at home and I test them each once time. Then, I was saved. My Dad and I had made plans for dinner and a movie. I get ready to head out to get my Dad. I am hoping the girls call or text me, cause I will go back to Boston to get them, but it never comes so I go to Dad’s. Dad is newly widowed as my Mom passed in the summer of ‘08. He is doing exceptionally well but you aren’t married and living with someone for more than forty five years without it stinging a lot. One would have to ask my Dad if I behaved with my cell, but from my perspective I did well. We went for dinner and we went to a movie together and I brought him home. Then I had a role I am quite good at ... I waited for 1 a.m. to get the girls. I was stuck but I am also struck that this is just the beginning of this part of this journey. I am still going to need to be there, but not with them and I think it would do us all well if I found a way to get unstuck and do it.

Currently I am stuck. It is weird. The lack of job opportunities certainly is a help, so I am stuck for now.

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