Has this ever happened to you? You wake up in the morning and not only do you not know where you are, you don’t know who you are. I kid you not, I woke up this morning and couldn’t figure out who the heck that man was in the my bed. Then there was the sound of children fighting over a frozen waffle (I have kids?) and a dog barking to go out for his morning walk (or whatever other reason dogs bark on a perfectly quiet morning). But I’m afraid of dogs. In fact, I’m afraid of kids.
MOM! When are you getting up?
Did some kid just call me Mom?
And that’s when it hit me; I’m not some sexy twenty-three-year-old trying to sleep in on a lazy Sunday morning. (What a nice dream I was having!) I’m a fortysomething (old) mother of four with a husband and a dog. I had awoken from a beautiful, wonderful, glorious dream to find myself living a nightmare. Help!
And that’s when that strange guy sleeping next to me threw a pillow at my head and said, “Honey, could you let me sleep in just this once and go feed the kids because I worked hard all week to bring home the proverbial bacon and I’m exhausted.”
Let me get this straight, I thought to my not-so-gullible self. My poor little hard-working husband/father/dumbass wanted to have a chance to sleep in? All right, I said. Then I gave myself a slap and said, in a voice that sounded a lot like that girl in The Exorsist: “I am going to kick your fat husband ass if you don’t get up and serve breakfast to YOUR four children this morning because I worked harder and longer and faster and smarter and better and bigger than you all week long and I’M sleeping IN this morning if it’s THE LAST THING I DO.” I even spun my head around 360 degrees for added effect.
Mom? Are you EVER going to get out of bed? It’s already 7:30 a.m.
The last thing I heard, as I headed downstairs to make breakfast, was the sound of my husband snoring. If only I had spewed some green stuff after that incredible head-spin. Maybe then he would’ve taken me seriously.