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Pokemon Go Proves We Can't Have Nice Things

The latest cultural obsession has taken over nearly every aspect of our lives, and not necessarily for the better.

There are two kinds of people in this world. People who are currently playing Pokemon Go, and DIRTY, DIRTY LIARS.

For the uninitiated, Pokemon Go is the latest phone app from game maker Niantic, with an assist from video game giant Nintendo. Everyone expected a new, mobile Pokemon game to be popular, but the game has exceeded everyone's expectations, being downloaded roughly eleventy-bajillion times, and crashing Niantic's servers multiple times a day from all the traffic. The popularity stems from two important things, with the most obvious being the astoundingly powerful waves of nostalgia that the Pokemon name causes in people under the age of 30. If you did most of your growing up in the 1990s, there's a 100 percent chance that you were in some way invested in Pokemon as a kid.

But it is the second factor that is making the game so uniquely problematic: Pokemon Go is what is called an "augmented reality" game. In the app itself, players are shown what is essentially a stripped down version of Google Maps. To move in the game, you have to move in real life, and as you encounter Pokemon, the game activates your phone's camera, showing the creatures "in" your surroundings. The result is a game that has made people get out of the house, become more active, and rediscover their socialization skills. It has also turned everyone into horrible, all-consumed monsters.

Did you know that the Holocaust Memorial Museum in Washington, D.C. had to issue a statement, asking people to please not catch Pokemon inside their moving tribute to 7 million dead people? Yup, totally a thing. Out less than a month, the app has also been blamed for car crashes, grievous bodily harm, and the general annoyance of old people. But now, perhaps more than ever before, we have crystal clear evidence that Pokemon Go is an insidious instrument of evil that is turning people into mindless zombies: it is distracting people from Queen Bey.


She's lucky Solange never saw her. Side note I'm never showering again.

A video posted by Anand Desai-Barochia (@ananddb) on

In a video posted by Instagram user ananddb, we can see a young woman at a Beyoncé concert in France with the app activated on her phone. Ananddb rightly and justly calls her out for her actions, expressly pointing out that they are standing at the foot of the stage, and that our Lord and Bey-vior is performing just feet (sorry, meters) away from them. He continues to berate the oblivious young woman for nearly a full minute, until Bey sings and dances her way down the stage past him, and ananddb proceeds to lose every metric tonne of his sh*t.

News of this blasphemy spread quickly and Rihanna, performing in Lille, France the next day expressly told her audience "I don't want to see you catching any Pokemon up in this b*tch!" Which is why the world needs both Beyoncé and Rihanna at the same time. Bey is the bright, shining goddess of everything that is good and happy and wonderful, and Ri-Ri is the stone cold enforcer who will tell you what's what in no uncertain terms.

Chad Taylor

Chad Taylor is a freelance writer based out of Des Moines. He spends his days writing about music, movies, sports and pop culture.

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