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The Tornado Warning Weight Loss Plan

How to sweat off five pounds in fifteen minutes:

Hear tornado sirens and turn on TV.

Watch as local weather satellite zooms in on your area and local meteorologist mentions the specific part of town you live in.

Glance warily outside and notice the sky is an odd ethereal green, the distinct color you recall from the day the tornado hit downtown Nashville in April 1998.

Hear meteorologist mention rain-wrapped tornado and notice that it is eerily still out.

Remain calm in front of your children, while proceeding to freak the freak out internally and sweat profusely.

Tell your kids to stay calm as you turn up the TV volume and direct them toward hall closet.

Notice hall coat closet is bursting with coats, of all things.

Start grabbing coats and tossing them on the floor of younger daughter’s bedroom.

Damn, how many coats does a family of four need?


Tell girls to stay put in closet while you sprint to the utility room to get their bicycle helmets.

Run back to closet and help kids fasten bike helmets.

Huddle on the closet floor with your kids, cell phone, and cordless phone.


Realize something is missing.


Call for dog.


Yell for dog.

Still, nothing.

Curse at dog…to yourself.

Run to kitchen.

Grab string cheese from refrigerator.

Wave string cheese enticingly at dog while making goofy, happy, let’s go have some fun faces.

Open the string cheese.

Grab the dog by the nape of the next and steer him into closet where he proceeds to plop down on your kids’ laps.

Wedge yourself into closet.


Realize that a seventy-five-pound very furry Akita mix is a very vocal eater.

Also? He is in need of dental care.

Start laughing with your kids as dog starts panting heavily.


Glance at weather alert on phone and realize tornado warning has expired.

Tumble from closet, wipe the sweat from your brow, and make mental note to clean the dog’s teeth and the coat closet.

Originally published on

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