Menu Join now Search

Vlad the Impaler Goes to the Arctic

You’ve just come home from a tough day at work, the end of summer is nigh, and with the Olympics and various political conventions, we will have had four shitty weeks of TV. It’s time to take action.

As you know, the Narwhal, the Unicorn of the sea, is underappreciated—you don’t see them decorating the Trapper Keepers and harmlessly erotic dream sequences of little girls. But we know what it truly is: the fully armed terror of the deep.

Now Narwhal’s pissed and ready to act out—take out your stress with the Avenging Narwhal ($11.75). It’s a six-inch vinyl figure with four magic tusks (crystal, onyx, ruby, and ice) to impale adorable baby animals (koala, penguin, and seal).

Note that this is not geographically correct—as I often have to explain to Atari after years of conditioning from Coke commercials and bad TV, baby penguins are not found in the Arctic.

By G. Xavier Robillard

Photo courtesy of Offsprung

More You'll Love

Your Dorm Room Needs This Major Urban Outfitters Home Sale
12 Housewarming Gifts For Your Friend Who Just Moved
These Cult-Favorite Leggings Are Back In Stock At Nordstrom Right Now
All The Deals You Need To Know About For Amazon Prime Day 2018 — Including Ones You Can Shop Today!
The Best Lipstick Color For Your Zodiac Sign
Your Next Vacation Destination, Based On Your Zodiac Sign
Back To School? Amazon Prime Day Has Deals On Everything You’ll Ever Need
We Found The Best Scented Candles For Every Mood