Who determines when life’s clock speeds up or slows down? I understand that God is in full control, but geesh! It seems to me at times the clock ticks once every hour to count a second for the day to be over. Other times it feels like thirty second ticks eat up an hour. The day slips past you and it’s gone and there wasn’t enough time in the day for anything productive to get accomplished. One minute you’re in class day dreaming of something else you’d rather be doing. The next thing you know, you’ve got a spouse, kids, animals, mortgage, bills, an a billion other things going on. I dunno about you, but for me I am astounded by just how fast time has past. One day I was told I was pregnant and I would have a baby. Next thing I know I have a beautiful baby girl in my arms. Next thing I know six years have past and now I’m fighting with this beautiful baby to get out of bed, get washed up, and out the door for school. Where did the time go? I close my eyes and when I open them, I’m told I’m on to baby number two! Next thing I know I have a beautiful baby boy in my arms. Three years latter I’m waking up with pee all over me in my bed! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN! I mean I know how it happened; I’m just baffled that it is happening! When did I get to the point where I couldn’t even complete a thought in the morning until I had my first cup of coffee? My mother used to do that and I didn’t understand why. Does this mean I’m my mom now!? Has it come to that!?
I look in the mirror and see how time and life have transitioned my appearance. It’s weird, in my mind I don’t look like this at all. I find myself looking in the mirror wondering who this ugly old hag is! When did I loose my motivation to care about me? When did I loose myself in the transitions life has made? I lost the focus I had, my goals didn’t change—they just went away. I fail to dream, I guess that’s something for optimistic people. When did I loose my optimism? Where did Rachel go, do I need her back or do I just need to identify who she is now? I can imagine God sitting on His throne, tapping is foot with is face laying on His hand, waiting patiently for me to open my eyes and see what His purpose is for me. As I wonder around in a dark room with my finger up my nose and a clueless look on my face. How frustrating for God I must be. I let little things drag me down and lead me wayward. When did I loose the ability to bounce back? Is this why people take drugs, become addicts, spiral down to uselessness? In the forefront of my mind I think; “That’s not me! No way!” But my actions speak a completely different language. If I was to take a look at me from the outside I would think I was a dead beat and a time waster. These are things I don’t want to be.
I would love to be successful, make a difference in the world. For now I need to be content in the successes I have at hand right now. The success I need to be concerned with right now in life is raising my kids to be happy, secure, smart, active, well rounded individuals. To support my husband in his efforts to support his children and I. That should be the success I strive for. But why is it so hard for me to wrap my brain around that? Maybe it’s because I was the baby of the family. My whole life others in my family did all of those things for me. I was cradled and cared for. I was told in my early adult life I would never be able to have children. Maybe I glued myself to that concept and don’t understand how to grow away from it. I’ve heard it said before that if you tell your self something long enough you adapt to it and become it and live it. Wouldn’t it be great if we all simultaneously had a positive goal that was a good aspiration, told ourselves we could do it repeatedly, and actually accomplished it! Wow, what a world that would be.
I honestly don’t have a point or a goal to this. Rather a need to express myself. I generally do better to speak about things while in the middle of it or immediately there after. I find myself able to express things in further details.