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Wishing to Be as Excited as My Fiancé

My fiancé who is in the Air Force, has recently spent four months in Texas doing special training, was home for just three short weeks, then spent two months in Virginia. I didn’t want him to spend Christmas alone, so I flew out to spend Christmas with him in Virginia. On my second day in Virginia, he proposed! We were so excited, and of course we celebrated! When we noticed that the condom was leaking, I immediately called my physician (well we waited until morning) but was informed that the Plan B pill is not sold in Virginia, and the prescription couldn’t be filled. The Plan B is only an effective birth control if taken within seventy-two hours of sex, and I still had five more days in Virginia. So we prayed … and hoped that all would be okay. After all it was only one week after my menstrual cycle, and as he put it “I have been jack in off like crazy with not seeing you, so I’m sure I have a low sperm count.” So basically the odds were in our favor.

We had planned to have kids eventually, but I need to finish college first, he needs to secure his intelligence position at our AF base in Kansas, (which is why he has been gone so much in special training), and I would like to be married, and not living in a one bedroom apartment. So anyways, He arrived home on January 12th, and has been asking me every day for the last three weeks if I have started yet, mainly because I thought I was starting one day, but it only lasted a few hours then quit. So on the 14th we bought a test. At 2 a.m. on the 15th, our little Princess Izobel (a cocker spaniel/ terrier) woke me up because she needed to go out side since daddy forgot to take her out before bed time. After taking her out for a few minutes I decided I should pee before going back to bed too. I saw the test sitting on the sink, waiting for me to take in the morning. I decided to take it now … after all it was going to be negative, and I could go back to sleep. How wrong was I?! Before I could even put the cap on it, it was showing a plus sign. So I waited hoping it would change … nope three minutes later, still a plus sign. I head back to our room, where my fiancé is fast asleep (he is IMPOSSIBLE to wake up), I shake him several times, and try to wake him up. He groans a few times, but wont wake up, Izobel starts licking his face, and he won’t budge, so I say “honey … we’re pregnant.” He sits up wide awake, and says “what!? Are you serious?!” He is so excited. I wanted to wait until the 12 week to say anything to anyone, but he cant keep his mouth shut, by the 16th he had already told most of his family …

So basically its been four weeks this Saturday since conception (because of his “deployments” it made conception date a given). I feel like sick all the time except when I am laying down. I am so tired, especially with the stress at work that won’t slow down for another month or two (this is my busy time at work). I’m not exactly mad or disappointed that I am pregnant. But I’m not excited either. I fear telling my parents, although I know they will be excited … I am thinking of having one of my nieces tell my mom and step dad, and having the other tell my dad and step mom. My oldest niece loved getting to announce when that my sister was having a baby with both of my niece’s little sisters. I can remember each phone call “Guess what? Mommy’s going to have baby!” and “Hello, Aunt S********** mom is having another baby!” My sister was pregnant when she was engaged, and my parents were still in high school when they had my oldest sister. But I just told my parents I was getting married last weekend, it doesn’t seem right for me to call them this weekend and tell them I am now pregnant too.

I have felt emotionally numb since I found out, and have struggled with the morality of all this (at least I think that’s my problem). I am the baby in the family, I have always been, as one sister puts it, the good child. I had higher grades than all my sisters, and managed to party as much if not more than them as well. I was just always able to balance my social life with my school life, and all while holding a job, and competing in sports as well. I was the only one to make it out of high school without having had sex, all the while having more boyfriends than I can count! Only one sister even knew that I was sleeping the boyfriend that became my fiancé but that was only because she is a Slumber Party distributor, and I have had a few parties, through her.

I feel horrible for not being as excited about this as my fiancé is, but at the same time I am struggling with how to tell my parents. And over all I feel like hell! I have told my boss, and since I work for a remodeling company, he asked if I needed the guys to build a nursery in the back for me, so he wouldn’t have to learn to do the book keeping! (he’s such a joker). All the guys at work are more excited than me, especially all the married guys that have kids of their own. I felt even worse telling my boss, since he and his wife recently adopted their second child. They can’t have kids, went through hell to have their first son, and paid a TON to adopt their second. So that hasn’t helped my feelings … I guess I am searching to find other women who have felt what I am feeling now … not exactly remorse or regret. But not exactly enthusiasm. Is this a normal thing with an unexpected pregnancy? I apologize for the novel. But at I had to get the feelings out, and hope to find someone with words of encouragement that has felt this way. Thanks so much!

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