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Relationship Q&A: Our Sex Has Lost Its Spark

The same counselors who help the couples you read about in "Can This Marriage Be Saved?" are ready to answer your questions about making your relationship the best it can be. This month, our Contributing Editor, Sondra Forsyth, talks to husband-and-wife team Bonnie Gordon-Rabinowitz, LSCW, and Marc Rabinowitz, LSCW, about a reader's question.


Q. This is going to sound terrible, but lately sex has started to feel like just one more chore on my to-do list. By the time dinner is over and the kids are finally in bed, I'm totally exhausted and all I want is some time to myself. I almost never turn my husband down when he comes on to me, but the passion I used to feel isn't there anymore. I haven't had an orgasm in ages. Is there a way to get the old spark back?

A. You are definitely not alone. For many young mothers, life is so hectic and busy that lovemaking loses some of its appeal. One solution is to find ways to lighten your load. Is your husband doing his share when it comes to household chores and childcare? Are you harboring ill feelings about having to do all the work by yourself? If so, make time to sit and talk with your husband about this. Stay on topic. Most men need to hear a few things at a time and not be barraged by too much talk. Another way to help put the spark back into your marriage is to schedule regular sex dates. Sex dates allow you to know in advance when you will be intimate. Have the children sleepover at Grandma's or a friend's house. Then take your time getting ready so you'll be refreshed and emotionally available. If you have your sex dates on Saturday evenings, you can also look forward to enjoying a lazy Sunday morning with brunch, the paper, and perhaps another wonderful lovemaking session before the kids come home!

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