Menu Join now Search

Snow's Coming!

We’re expecting a major storm, which is the lead story on all of the local news stations. Mind you, “big snows” are often predicted around here, but rarely ever happen. Still, the fatalistic news and weather reports always predict the worst. I don’t want to know what it’s doing on the side of the road in Frick’s Crick, New Jersey, and I really don’t care how many tons of rock salt are being loaded onto the trucks at Public Works. All I want to know is when it’s going to snow and what to expect. That’s not too much to ask, is it?

Before I can see the weather forecast, however, I get this:

Monotone News Anchor: We’re bracing for the first major storm to hit the area this season. Pretty Weather Guy is waiting to give a forecast, but first let’s go to Annoying Blonde Reporter who’s in Valhalla, standing in front of some salt trucks.

Annoying Blonde Reporter: You’re Correct, Monotone News Anchor, I’m indeed standing in front of salt trucks. Standing here with me is Guy in Charge of Salt Trucks. Hello, Guy.

Hello, Annoying Blonde.

ABR: What is your plan of action today?

When it snows the trucks will spread salt on the roads.

ABR: Fascinating! They’re going to spread salt on the roads. For more team coverage, let’s take it to Freezing Cold Reporter Number 1 who is standing on the side of the road in some random, obscure town in New Jersey.

Thanks, Annoying One. I’m standing on the side of the road in New Jersey and I’m here to tell you it’s not snowing. I will continue to stand here throughout the course of the day to report on every flake that falls. I know you don’t care what it’s doing here on the side of the highway, but weather is the big story and they send us on these inane assignments so we can say we covered it. Freezing Cold Reporter Number 2 is standing by on a highway on Long Island.

FCR2: I’m standing here on the side of a highway on Long Island; it’s not snowing here either. I don’t even know why I'm here. Freezing Cold Reporter Number 3?

I’m on the Upper East Side and it’s not snowing here either, but there’s a Starbucks so I’m hanging out in there. Freezing Cold Reporter Number 4 is in Queens at the Home Depot.

That’s right, FCR4, I’m at a Home Depot in a town you never heard of and with me is the manager of this store who’d much rather conduct this interview inside in the warmth, but instead, for no logical reason whatsoever, is standing here freezing his ass off with me. Home Depot Manager, what are people buying to deal with the snow?

Well, FCR 4, they’re buying shovels, snow blowers, and rock salt.

FCR4: Snow blowers, shovels, and rocks salt! Exactly what one would expect when it comes to dealing with snow. Let’s check in with Freezing Cold Reporter Number 5 who’s down the road at the Stop & Shop.

FCR5: Thank you, FCR4, I’m here with the Store Manager. SM, what are people buying to help cope with the storm?

SM: Food. They’re buying food.

There you have it. They’re buying food. Now back to you, Monotone News Anchor.

MNA: For more of what to expect here’s Pretty Weather Guy.

PWG: It’s going to snow today and it’s going to be very cold. See these clouds over Pennsylvania? That means it’s snowing over Pennsylvania. I honestly don’t know how much snow you’re going to get today, but if I throw out some numbers, say twelve to twenty-four inches, that should keep the masses happy. In reality you’ll probably get a dusting.

MNA: Stay tuned to this station for complete Accu-Weather coverage throughout the day, unless we get word that there’s a dog show going on or some other real news to report.