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What Your Energy Drink Says About You

Gone are the days when only a few elite members of society (i.e., extreme sport enthusiasts and truck drivers) felt comfortable purchasing energy drinks. Now they make energy drinks that encompass all sorts of stereotypes, from the pale-skinned gamer desperate to get to the next level before sunrise to the cardio bunny trying to fuel her hours-long session on the elliptical. If you’ve been looking for a way to over-caffeinate while publicly demonstrating some of your most questionable qualities, these drinks are for you.

People who buy this are: fueling their Friday night LAN-parties.

If its advertising is correct (and when does advertising lie?), Bawls is the beverage of choice for paintballers, BMXers, and video gamers. Hmm, which one of these things isn’t like the other? Each bottle and can contains a measly 66.7 mg of caffeine (that’s a little more than half the caffeine content in a cup of coffee) and is covered with small bumps to “provide a grip so that it does not slip out of your hand.” I doubt paintballers or BMXers would waste their time with this wimpy drink for butterfingers. They need something more extreme, or at least something with a name involving numerous Xs and a lightning bolt. Image source: DavidDMuir (cc)

World of Warcraft Mana
People who buy this are: buying it online so they don’t have to leave their computers and interact with non-virtual people.

Those poor World of Warcrafters must get awfully exhausted sitting at their computers for hours on end. What better way to refuel and continue avoiding the real world than by grabbing an energy drink based on the game? The “energy potion” has 160 mg of caffeine and even includes B vitamins and Vitamin C, just in case the gamers are too busy casting spells to get vitamins from sources not affiliated with WoW, like food. Image source: alessino (cc).

Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt
People who buy this are: the proud owners of Under Siege 2 movie posters.

Granted, Seagal definitely kicked ass back in his day and performed some impressive stunts involving helicopters. However, this does not mean that you will acquire any of his strength, skill, or ability to deliver lifeless dialogue when purchasing “Asian Experience” or “Cherry Charge” at the 99¢ store (one of its fine retailers). It will, however, make you look like a tool. If you want the world to know of your idol worship, consider buying Seagalogy: A Study of the Ass-Kicking Films of Steven Seagal instead.

Sum Poosie
People who buy this are: never touching a real woman.

For god’s sake, don’t let anyone ever see you buying this. This is woman repellent in bottled form. The name alone is so ridiculously uninspired that its lack of creativity is only trumped by the picture of the scantily clad lady on the back of the bottle. Put your hands around this, and it’s the closest you’ll ever come to grasping an actual female. Image Source: Orin Optiglot (cc)

Hair of the Dog
People who buy this are: still drunk enough to make bad decisions.

Though it claims to be “the healthiest energy drink on the planet,” the second ingredient in Hair of the Dog is high fructose corn syrup. Plus, it contains artificial flavors and preservatives. If the marketers are lying about that, couldn’t they be lying about its hangover-curing abilities? Besides, when you’re stumbling over to 7-11 the morning after a particularly heinous bender, is that can, with its maniacal cartoon dog, going to look appealing? Not unless you’re still too wasted to remember the cardinal rule of the HOTD—it has to contain booze. Image Source: polmuadi (cc)

Go Girl!
People who buy this are: not afraid to use phrases like “Girl power!” un-ironically.

I hate that Go Girl! and other energy drinks geared toward women involve hot pink and buzz words like “low-cal” or “sugar-free.” Note to marketers: not all women need the color pink to validate their femininity or are obsessed with dieting. Although, the only two women I know who buy these regularly definitely had both characteristics. I will say this about Go Girl!—it’s a step up from Damzl Fuel, if only because it’s spelled correctly.

People who buy this are: into relaxing, but think chamomile is for chumps.

Drank is an anti-energy drink. It promotes itself as an “extreme relaxation beverage” and urges consumers to “slow your roll.” It contains melatonin and valerian root, which both help with sleep cycles and easing anxiety. (Whatever happened to coming home and relaxing with a bottle of wine or beer?) It’s also carbonated and reportedly has a grape flavor. So if you feel like a soda but also want to express your distaste for non-extreme forms of relaxation, by all means, get your Drank on. Image Source: Logan Antill (cc).

All of these energy (or, um, “anti-energy”) drinks should come with a buyer beware message—purchase this and risk losing what’s left of your dignity. Although, if you’re actually thinking about buying any of these, there’s probably not much left to lose.