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Is Your iPhone App a Personality Map?

Thanks to the iPhone and its ever-growing list of applications designed to satisfy any and all needs (including the need for phones to make fart noises, incidentally), we can manage our lives by pressing a few buttons. Even better, because there are literally thousands of apps to choose from, our iPhones are extensions of our personalities. A simple glance at someone’s phone reveals much about his or her personality and can paint a scarily detailed portrait, down to even the strangest, rarest idiosyncrasies and desires.  


Hipster Trying to Get Laid
Even the guy with the greasiest hair and skinniest jeans sometimes needs help landing a like-minded hipster honey. But if he’s in the know about upcoming concerts, can fake an acoustic guitar serenade, or use his phone as a vibrator, his chances improve significantly. 

 Apps: Pocket Guitar, Barista, Shazam, 101+ Photo Effects, Local Concerts, Get Any Girl, Virtual Zippo Lighter, Texts from Last Night, Pick Up Lines, Vibrating Massager  

Celeb-Obsessed Tween
In between sexting her latest middle school love and eschewing schoolwork for a marathon of The Hills, this diva in training wants constant updates about her favorite celebrities so that she can live vicariously through them. With enough details to feed on, she could be the next tragic starlet on her way to rehab. 

Apps: Backgrounds, TMZ, E! Online, PhoneFlicks, Joost, Anthem Music Videos, Jonas Brothers Walmart Soundcheck, TwitterFon, Celeb News, dHoroscopes 

The Dude Who Tries Too Hard
“Where the party at?” If you find yourself saying that constantly and never getting a response, chances are you fall under this category. With apps that let you bump phones and exchange information or whip out one of several “yo mama” jokes sure to titillate the masses, you won’t be lonely for long. 

Apps: Urbanspoon, Bump, PartyboxLIVE, Movies, Yo Mama Extreme, Free Shooters, Beatbox Free, Nice Kicks, Female Models, Yelp 

Soccer Mom MILF
She’s only got ten minutes to load the kids in the car, swing by Target on the way to tee-ball, and fix her hair and makeup in time to flirt with the kids’ cute coach. But with all these convenient apps on her side, she might even sneak in a quick Pilates session, too. 

Apps: On the Go Pilates, Target, Gap StyleMixer, iFood Assistant, Lookz Lite, Trapster Speed Traps, Cheap Gas, Free Lie Detector Scanner, Sexytime Fun Lite, What’s Your Sex Appeal 

Agro Business Suit
This is the kind of person who can’t remember the last time he made eye contact with anyone because his eyes are perpetually downcast, reading emails and checking the stock market on his iPhone. That’s why he needs apps that let him play golf and exercise via his phone, because there’s no way he has time for that nonsense in real life. 

Apps: Teed Off, iTie, To Do List, CNNMoney, BrainTuner, Health Map Outbreaks, iRelax Melodies, Virtual Trainer, High Paying Jobs, HotelPal 

If you have an iPhone and aren’t app-savvy, get on the trolley and let your phone run your life. And if you don’t have an iPhone yet, just look at the iTunes app store and get lured to the dark side. Until your phone can teach you how to tie a tie, what kind of shooters to order at a bar, or makes a shotgun-cocking sound when you shake it, you won’t know true happiness.